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1. A Serious Man. A movie Time magazine described as "almost too Jewish for Hollywood." This leads me to believe that the film is simply a ninty minute depiction of Mel Brooks and Woody Allen rubbing their penis' together while force-feeding eachother bagels and cream-cheese.
2. The Blindside. A movie for rich white people to watch in order to feel good about themselves while still contributing no money to Haitian relief funds.
3. Up. Much like last years Wall-E, this movie would best benefit from a mandatory consumation of an entire bottle of Robotussin and four hits of Black Pyramid, Sugar-Cube LSD prior to it's viewing. I heard there was a deleted scene where the talking dog licked peanut butter off of the old man's sack.
4. An Education. It's french, so who the fuck cares?
5. District 9. I actually really enjoyed this movie. It had a great mix of metaphorical socail commentary and people's heads exploding. Still don't understand why they cast Murray from Flight of The Conchords as the main character. If they made it into a porno it would have to be called Dick Stroke 69.
6. Up In The Air. I looked up the term "Smug Hollywood Faggot" on Wikipedia, and all that appeared was a picture of George Clooney. I still think the best role of his career was as Turkey No. 37 on the South Park Thanksgiving Special.
7. Precious: Based On The Novel No One Read Because Reading Sucks And Is Gay. No person as morbidly obese as Mo'Nique should be allowed to recieve any form of award, period. Even the title of the movie is grossly overwieght. At least we know who to call if anyone is ever in need of an NFL linemen.
8. Inglorious Basterds. Because the twenty-seven million Russians and Poles who died fighting the Third Riech just weren't entertaining enough for Hollywood. Isn't it great that after a twenty year career that only produced two and a half good movies your allowed to completly rewrite history? Brad Pitt and the guy from The Office kill Hitler and win the war for America, YAY!!!!! I heard Tarintino's next movie is going to be about how Bush thwarted Al Queda's plan to attack the World Trade Center before they could follow through with it, while simeltaneously restructing the dam system of the city of New Orleans! While were at it, let's pretend the 2004 and 2008 World Series' never happened, we won Vietnam, and Dane Cook was never born! I sure do miss the days of ear mutilation, and guys named Zed raping strangers in his basement while a buddy watches and masterbates. Ahh, simpler times.
9. Avatar. I don't care how "3-D" or "Eye-popping" (more like Ball-gagging) this movie is, you can't rehash the plots of Pochahantos and Fern Fucking Gully into an Oscar-caliber movie. I'm sick and tired of Hollywood telling me how I should be saving the enviroment while they burn through massive quantites of natural resources every goddam day just to make mindless bullshit nonsense starring Drew Barrymore and that Madea transvestite. Glorified Smurf Porn, but it doesn't even matter cause I heard no one saw it anyway.
10. The Hurt Locker. By far the only movie to come out this year to rightfully even deserve a nomination (you can maybe throw Invictus in there too if your feeling generous). Easily the most visceral and powerful war film since Saving Private Ryan, the cinematography brilliantly portrays the terse intensity of modern combat through the language of subtle camerea tremors and zooms in and out of focus. The story and acting both sucessfully re-interprate war movie paradimes in an intelligent manner and the film itself avoids preaching any sort of message or view point by instead leaving it's events and characters open to interpritation. Plus there's also a scene where the main character is listening Heavy Metal and brooding, awesome! If this movie doesn't win then there is no hope for the world or hummanity and the four horsemen shall ride us on their demonic steeds of Algathar into the abyss of endless peril, followed by the rise of Lucifer from his throne at the helm of the dark city of Chaos.
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